No comprendí, no comprendo, no comprenderé

I love my Savior.

I try as much as possible, though I am always learning and growing, to live my life to the glory of God, to please my Savior, and to be an example and encouragement to those around me.

I was born and have been raised LCMS Lutheran, that also includes baptism and confirmation in the LCMS Lutheran faith.

I went to an LCMS Lutheran grade school/church.

I went to an LCMS Lutheran high school.

My faith came alive when I was a junior in high school thanks in big part to the senior level theology teacher who constantly pushed us (in a good way) to live out our faith more and more as we grew and matured.

I did NOT go to an LCMS Lutheran college. I went to an "independent" Lutheran college.

At that college, I went to church, chapel, a Christian Fellowship. I led bible studies, and service projects. I worshipped, I sinned, I failed, and I was bathed in grace (Still am praise Jesus).

I now teach at my former high school. With that high school teacher who greatly blessed my life, and I respect as a teacher, a father, and a Christian brother.

Every once in a while, I have a brief exchange with that teacher, in which a shot is taken at my college. It is implied that I have fallen from my faith/my standing as a child of God, in a joking manner that has too much of a bite in it to be solely a joke.

I have just realized that it is the Devil's constant desire to divide and separate Christians through any means possible. Unfortunately, I believe that this is so often overlooked in and amongst ourselves.

Why are we allowing Satan the opportunity to use our own actions to hurt and cause our brothers and sisters as make our way through life in a fallen world? Isn't it hard enough with the world and society and our sinful nature beating us down every day? Why can we not encourage as well as speak truth that is biblically based into one another's lives?

No comprendí, no comprendo, no comprenderé.

Amanda N. Stenzel

Alleluia!

A blessed Easter to you all!




Mucho Amor!

So I was thinking..

I think I'm going to try something new in this space. Thought(s) of the day. Simple, concise, and possibly entertaining. (Also maybe rant-y)

Thought #1 - I fear that books may only have a few months to live.

Right? Can Kindles and I-pads replace the hefty feeling of a book in your hand?

Can you open a Kindle right to the middle and inhale the rich smell of the book binding?

Can you go back and read the comments you wrote in the margins the first time you read the book, and laugh at your limited insight? Then add more? And repeat the cycle?

Can you feel the ink on the page?

Can you truly appreciate the detail of illustrations?

Go ahead... call me old-fashioned. I won't mind. Although I do prefer VINTAGE.

Peace out.

The Power of Positive Speaking

"Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." James 3:5-6

Ok now, this is not a diatribe on watching what comes out of your mouth or you'll go to hell. That's not how I roll.

This is however a mini-entreaty for you to realize how much power your words have.

That might be one of the biggest lessons I want all of my students to walk away with when they graduate or leave my classroom.



A single word can make or break someone else's day. Have you ever realized that? Think of it from the perspective of the person receiving the word or the sentence. Hasn't one statement from someone else ever made you think that your day just got better, or that it just became worth it to get out of bed that day.



And on the flip side: haven't you had one statement make all of the good in a day just vanish? One sentence that undermines your confidence and makes you focus on all that you did wrong that day, or all that you ever do wrong?



That impact is yours as well. The POWER to make that impact I should say. Every single person you meet in a day whether you see them for five seconds or five hours, you have an opportunity to make an impression on their life.





I experience that every day of my life. And maybe it's because I live in a hyper-sensitive state as a depressed person, but I am constantly impacted by what even the "bit players" in my life have to say to me and about me.



I was lucky enough today to recieve three cards from 3 separate people. My cat, Billy, "sent" me a valentine's day card, AKA my mom used wavy handwriting to pretend she was my cat and sent me a valentine's day card.

The more important cards were from my mom's good friend Kathy and from my Aunt (read: Dad's aunt) Lyla.

I recently recieved a long term sub position at my alma mater Lutheran High School North. It starts in March and will go through the end of the school year, which is fantastic, but I guess after getting my first long term sub position at Avondale, and thinking about the amount of time I have to pass until March, it's hard for me to be excited.

Except when I receive two cards in one day that tell me that LHN is lucky to have me. The impact of that statement twice in a row hit me extra hard for some reason. These people who have watched me grow up, and know (truly know) very little about me have more confidence in me than I do in myself. That just blows my mind.

I will keep those cards, and not just because I keep pretty much all cards I get in the mail, but because I will need that when I reach a rough point at North. Because I will, reach a rough point. It will happen in the first few weeks, in the middle of the whole job, and at the end.


But back to my original point: words make an impact, and change a person's world. IT'S TRUE!

Think back on the statement that had the most impact on your life. You'd be surprised where it came from, if you're honest with yourself about what impacts your life.

I'll share one from my top five: my niece, Taylor. She's five. She says over and over again, "Aunt Amanda, you're my best friend."

That makes my life.

<3

Life in the "Real World"

I think being a year out of college is one of the weirdest places to be.



I have worked for a semester straight at a job that I loved, after a summer of self-doubt and failed interviews.



I am now a daily sub, but apparently no one wants me to sub for them?



It's so hard being a depressive person after five years of counseling (on and off) because I can recognize certain signs of depression in myself, and I can intellectually understand when I am being irrational and reading more into situations than might actually exist, BUT I can't stop myself from thinking these things.



I am my own worst critic, and I know that. Even with my friends and family reassuring me that I am way too hard on myself all the time, I still continue to kick my own arse every day all day.

That becomes hard when you encounter people who want to criticize you as much and as hard as you criticize yourself.



I had an opportunity to sub at the high school where I finished teaching recently, it was a HUGE blessing to see my kids again. But of course, the negative stayed with me more than the positive. I had a student who I trust, explain to me that the teacher who I had been subbing for had said, "Ms. Stenzel is the BEST sub!" over and over again, and then qualified her statement with, "I'm being sarcastic."



Yes, that stings, especially when I know that I failed to meet her expectations for me (even though I worked my behind off for those kids and that job and invested all of me into them for a semester, therefore meeting MY OWN expectations for myself)

I am in shock at the lack of professionalism in a woman that I rallied for with MY kids, right before she came back. A woman whom I told MY kids to respect, and to trust in the transition from me back to her. It just sucks. But that's ok, right? Because my worth as a teacher isn't determined by her, but by MY kids. And that worth was confirmed this past weekend at the dinner theatre production of "The Yellow Boat" where my kids flocked me and hugged me and asked me back.

The fact that I was hired at North is helpful in confirming that I'm a worthwhile teacher with potential as well. A job is always a positive step in confirming that I am desireable. I'm so grateful for the job for many reasons.

Not ONLY because I'll be making more money there, and have access to MUCH more sophisticated technology or things like that, but because I have an opportunity to work with and learn from teachers and administrators that I respect, AND I get to work with kids in a theatre setting again.

BUT I get to be back in that Christian setting. And hopefully, without rocking too many boats, I can show those kids that it is possible to be a vibrant, quirky, loving, young Christian in a world that tries to tell them its impossible to do so.


I celebrated my new job and my latest paycheck by going out shopping with my mom (at her suggestion might I add). I bought the first season of Glee on DVD because I really enjoy that show and never sprung for cable/internets in my apartment. Watching the whole season was great because I had only seen the beginning and the end, but MORE SO the special features made me realize how much I miss the family/community of being in the performing arts. I'd love to join that cast because of the fun behind the scenes. Really, that's the main reason. I promise. I know there are about 7 thousand attractive talented men on the show, but really who wouldn't want to be learning how to be a better actress/dancer/vocalist in a group of fun and attractive young people? Just for the sake of that. Without the romantic drama.


But at the same time, it's sort of a bad thing, to dwell on that community. Because it prevents me from looking at the reality of my life and find a community that exists around me to join as I wait for my new job to start in March. Yes, it's nice to have an escape but it sucks me deeper into this fantasy life that I wish I was living.

And that's just not healthy for me.

I lost the thread of this post. Mr. Brandt would be so disappointed in me.

"Peace out, baby!" - Scrubs.

I have often dreamed...

I've never really been one for New Year's resolutions but this year, especially over the past few weeks. But I guess there is no real shock there, as I've been on Christmas break and had a chance to slow down and think about life more.

I guess I've also focused more on my emotional self than my physical self, or I've been more conscious of my emotional self as I've gotten older in comparison to my physical self.

Maybe it's family that brings out this pensive side to me, or just the holidays in general. I truly don't know.

Either way, I'm going to put a list of general goals for this upcoming year and beyond.

• Start doing daily devotions again
• Join St. John's choir
• Find a counselor
• Figure out WHY I have so many issues with men
• Figure out WHY I have so many issues with relationships
• Learn how to deal with my continuing depressive cycles
• Figure out what I want for my professional future
• Be less selfish

It's become uber clear from the past few weeks how deep/powerful my issues with guys are. I can intellectually understand that now is NOT a good time for me to be in a relationship. I'm so frustrated too with the difficulty of meeting someone that I can click with in a platonic way first, before the relationship either becomes a dash to the finish line of a romantic relationship or it doesn't and so it can't become anything. It's hard too to NOT want to connect with someone. I wonder if it is possible to become LESS of a romantic.

As far as a purpose in life goes, I truly think that God put me on this earth to love other people. Simply to love. I am not perfect at it, because I'm a human being and I'm going to fail. But love is boundless, especially when God helps me to love with His heart and His love.

Another thing that I've come to realize is that the only way our troubles and our pain can be put into perspective only through the observation of those people who are in more pain or have more troubles than we do. OR when someone we deeply care about is in more pain or has more troubles than we do. Doesn't that seem backwards? Shouldn't we care more about others? Shouldn't we want to reduce others' pain as much as ours? Help the entire world?

This is my food for thought.

<3>

Amanda

So it's been five months sinve i've posted something real.

Five months ago.

Five months.

It's been five months since I've found time to write anything deeper than a post full of pictures and captions.

So let's recap.

Important events:

Pre-September:
1. Completed interviews at Olivet High School, Cassopolis High School, and Calhoun Christian High School.
2. Received one offer, as a part time Spanish teacher at Calhoun Christian.
3. Considered it.
4. Mrs. Kearney passed away.
5. Ran into Mrs. Phelps and Mrs. Phillips and discussed job things.
6. Carrie called to tell me about a long term Spanish sub position at Avondale High School (where?)
7. I interviewed there and...

September
1. Got the job.
2. Started work in Auburn Hills at Avondale High School as a Spanish Teacher teaching Spanish 2 and 3.
3. Moved to Pontiac.

October
1. I was hospitalized the night of my first Parent-Teacher conferences at AHS.
2. I was then told that I needed to have my gall bladder removed, as well as the four gall stones in my bile duct.
3. I freaked out because that came w/ 10 days of procedures and recovery time.
4. I was NOT fired.

November
1. Soon after I got OUT of the hospital, my grandma fell and broke her hip.
2. Two days later my dad ended up in the hospital one floor below his mom (my gma).
3. I purchased the new Swell Season CD.
4. I survived being a long term sub through Thanksgiving.
5. I painted my kitchen wall orange.
6. I saved a stray kitten from being cold and alone.

December
1. I realized that I have a regular coffee place (Caribou Coffee, Squirrel and Walton) and LOVED it.
2. I survived being a long term sub til Christmas break.
3. I found out my last day of subbing is in January (the 18th or the 19th).
4. I went to the Swell Season concert in Ann Arbor w/ Zosette.
5. That concert is now #2 in my extensive list of amazing concerts. It's right in between Say Anything in St. Louis and Motion City Soundtrack in Chicago. (Both of those were my freshman year).
6. I rocked an interview at Lutheran High North for a position starting in March 2010.


So those are the important events in my life over the past five months, but what have I learned?
Where is the analysis, the personal spin that is most interesting to other people, and to me?

Well, I learned that finding a church when you move some place new is one of the hardest things in the world to do. I learned that without Jesus I never would have made it through the ridiculously long hours and difficult tasks of being a long term sub.


Five months ago, I was so scared and lost and was completely convinced that I would never be in the place I am now. A place where I have a job, and a home (my apt. really feels like my first home), and I can pay my own bills, for the most part. My parents have been so patient with me, and I don't know what I would do without them.

What is interesting to me now is that I have different fears and worries that are equally as intense (at times) as the ones from five months ago. They've grown broader maybe, like when will I/ will I ever find someone who I want to be with and who will want to be with me?
How do I transition from being a college student into being an adult? What are my priorities in life going to be? How am I going to start my career off? How much will I save and when will I save it? How many material possessions do I need in my life?

It has been a hard transition from college to real life in really one way. Where do I find my community now? Maybe it's just difficult for those who don't go immediately into a solid or permanent work environment, or for those who live alone or go back to living at home, but wow is it difficult to maintain a community of people around you when you don't know anyone and your colleagues are all older than you by a significant amount of years.


More time should be spent on helping former college kids adjust from college to adulthood than from high school to college. Someone could corner that market if they wanted to.

I lost my train of thought because my heart got in the way. I've developed a crush on one of the baristas at my regular coffee place. And it's bad. I've skipped to that point in time when I've already idealized everything about this dude. And from what I've observed in myself and in him over the past few months, it wouldn't work out mainly based on lifestyle choices. And so I feel that same pull in my heart when I see him, but it's all futile. It's a vicious cycle this desire to be with someone inspite of everything that tells me not to act on it.


Also, I'm pretty much a creeper. Always.

I just want to live a life of love towards others, and service towards others. Really that's it. I don't appreciate compleciated emotions getting in the way. EVER. But apparently, such is life. And some things we just never learn, no matter how often we learn them.