Life in the "Real World"

I think being a year out of college is one of the weirdest places to be.



I have worked for a semester straight at a job that I loved, after a summer of self-doubt and failed interviews.



I am now a daily sub, but apparently no one wants me to sub for them?



It's so hard being a depressive person after five years of counseling (on and off) because I can recognize certain signs of depression in myself, and I can intellectually understand when I am being irrational and reading more into situations than might actually exist, BUT I can't stop myself from thinking these things.



I am my own worst critic, and I know that. Even with my friends and family reassuring me that I am way too hard on myself all the time, I still continue to kick my own arse every day all day.

That becomes hard when you encounter people who want to criticize you as much and as hard as you criticize yourself.



I had an opportunity to sub at the high school where I finished teaching recently, it was a HUGE blessing to see my kids again. But of course, the negative stayed with me more than the positive. I had a student who I trust, explain to me that the teacher who I had been subbing for had said, "Ms. Stenzel is the BEST sub!" over and over again, and then qualified her statement with, "I'm being sarcastic."



Yes, that stings, especially when I know that I failed to meet her expectations for me (even though I worked my behind off for those kids and that job and invested all of me into them for a semester, therefore meeting MY OWN expectations for myself)

I am in shock at the lack of professionalism in a woman that I rallied for with MY kids, right before she came back. A woman whom I told MY kids to respect, and to trust in the transition from me back to her. It just sucks. But that's ok, right? Because my worth as a teacher isn't determined by her, but by MY kids. And that worth was confirmed this past weekend at the dinner theatre production of "The Yellow Boat" where my kids flocked me and hugged me and asked me back.

The fact that I was hired at North is helpful in confirming that I'm a worthwhile teacher with potential as well. A job is always a positive step in confirming that I am desireable. I'm so grateful for the job for many reasons.

Not ONLY because I'll be making more money there, and have access to MUCH more sophisticated technology or things like that, but because I have an opportunity to work with and learn from teachers and administrators that I respect, AND I get to work with kids in a theatre setting again.

BUT I get to be back in that Christian setting. And hopefully, without rocking too many boats, I can show those kids that it is possible to be a vibrant, quirky, loving, young Christian in a world that tries to tell them its impossible to do so.


I celebrated my new job and my latest paycheck by going out shopping with my mom (at her suggestion might I add). I bought the first season of Glee on DVD because I really enjoy that show and never sprung for cable/internets in my apartment. Watching the whole season was great because I had only seen the beginning and the end, but MORE SO the special features made me realize how much I miss the family/community of being in the performing arts. I'd love to join that cast because of the fun behind the scenes. Really, that's the main reason. I promise. I know there are about 7 thousand attractive talented men on the show, but really who wouldn't want to be learning how to be a better actress/dancer/vocalist in a group of fun and attractive young people? Just for the sake of that. Without the romantic drama.


But at the same time, it's sort of a bad thing, to dwell on that community. Because it prevents me from looking at the reality of my life and find a community that exists around me to join as I wait for my new job to start in March. Yes, it's nice to have an escape but it sucks me deeper into this fantasy life that I wish I was living.

And that's just not healthy for me.

I lost the thread of this post. Mr. Brandt would be so disappointed in me.

"Peace out, baby!" - Scrubs.