I know that you are in a lot of pain right now. You are constantly doubting the person that you are because of the feedback that you've been getting at work. I need you to trust yourself. You are not crazy, you are a person. And as we know, people have problems. You have never claimed to be perfect, in face, you are harder on yourself than anyone you've ever met has been on you. You are reacting to a pattern of events that has not changed much over time. You can admit things like: you haven't worked 150% this time. It's the FIRST TIME in your life that you have not given it all, and with good reason.
You need to remember that there is a good reason that you create loyalty wherever you go. You have many students who still love you, and your kids in this show are responding to you positively for a reason. Not everyone in life will like you, but then again, not everyone will take the time to truly see you for who you are. You probably care about others as much as you put pressure on yourself to succeed.
I know you are discouraged right now, everything seems stacked against you. You have a ton of people rooting for you, supporting you, and willing to help you. You are NOT in this alone. People around you have been just as badly mistreated, if not worse, and they know what you are feeling. This show is going to be wonderful, you (and everyone else) have worked extremely hard on the production itself and there is no way that it won't show through during the performances.
There is definitely a reason why this is happening. You've already seen the amount of growth and strength you've gotten from this experience. You've met and created relationships with wonderful people, and found out once and for all that you WANT to be teaching. No questions asked anymore. That was a bonus, that you hadn't expected. Your job after this is all over (soon, darling, SOON) is to build on that desire. And to create the future that you really would like. One day, you will laugh at the ridiculousness of all the drama and hurt feelings from this chapter of your life. This pain will not last forever, and in the mean time, continue to take care of yourself and cuddle with Billy.
Love always and forever,
A
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